CRISPY

(This may be my most nonsensical story yet. You’ve been warned.)

Somewhere far away, in a large crooked shack in the heart of a dark forest, there lived a Wizard and his two assistants. The Wizard was an old man with a long white beard wrapped in a filthy dark cloak patterned with moons and stars.

While immensely powerful, any onlooker could tell that the old man was also not right in the head. The Wizard could raise mountains in the distance with a wave of his hand but somehow struggled to dress himself in the morning.

“By the hungry hosts of Azathoth, WHERE ARE MY SOCKS?!” He’d roar as magical lightning crackled from his eyes and fingers.

Fortunately, the Wizard had help from his two loyal assistants; a short man with a fuzzy round face beneath a red cap and his canine companion, a chubby ball of slobbering tan fur known only as “Dog.”

What the Wizard didn’t know, was that his helpers had a terrible secret. In reality, the duo were a pair of wanted criminals. The short man was nothing but a common Thief and together with Dog they had drifted through life as petty burglars. They running from the police officer chasing after them in the forest where they accidentally stumbled upon the Wizard’s lair.

The Thief had introduced themselves to the wild-eyed coot as drifters looking for work. In exchange for food and bed, the Crook and his dog helped the Wizard out with chores around his shack that magical loon was too lazy to resolve with magic. So until the heat blew over, they carried on the act as the Wizard’s helpers.

Except that wasn’t all they had planned.

From the moment he watched the Wizard’s magic at work, the Thief had hatched potentially his greatest idea yet. It was a long con with a doozy of a payout. The Thief was planning to steal the Wizard’s incredible power for himself.

“That geezer doesn’t deserve his magic,” The Thief had whispered to Dog. “If I had his power I’d put it to real use and conjure up all the cash we could ever want!”

Dog whined, tilting his round head at his partner.

“Yeah, yeah and you’ll get all the cookies you can eat, you fat lump,” The Thief grumbled.

Dog barked cheerfully. For some bizarre reason, the criminal pup loved to bury his snout in chocolate-chip cookies. With his furry stomach almost dragging to the floor it wasn’t that hard to believe.

So there it was, the Crook stealing Wizard’s magic for himself was the plan. Unfortunately exactly “how” he planned on actually stealing the magic had yet to be determined.

At first, the pair carried out every task the Wizard asked of them. They mopped, cleaned, and dusted all over, anything to get into the Wizard’s good graces. However, It wasn’t long before the old man’s chores became increasingly more demanding and confusing.

They would spend hours scrubbing seemingly infinite piles of dirty dishes that seemed cursed to never be clean.

“Yessir, this will all be worth it,” the Thief muttered scrubbing ferociously

For garbage disposal, the Wizard’s garbage had them toss full trash bags into a glowing portal that led to another dimension. As they dodged large slimy tentacles trying to pull them into the sinister portal, Dog whined casting a pleading look at the Thief.

“Not much longer now and hurry up with those bags!” the Thief said.

Doing the Wizard’s laundry was especially difficult when the mad Wizard’s dirty clothes became sentient from magic residue and attacked the duo in a cotton frenzy.

After overpowering the living clothes, Dog growled annoyingly at the Thief as he handed him the Wizard’s squirming socks in his teeth.

“Soon! All right? I’ve almost got him right where I want him!” But the Thief knew he couldn’t pretend he knew what he was doing for much longer.

Then one day, after months of agonizing labor, the Thief had a breakthrough. He wished he could have called it his magnum opus but even after a lifetime of bad ideas the Thief knew it was not his brightest plan.

Still, knowing the Wizard it was worth a shot.

Late one afternoon, after the Thief and Dog finished dusting the strange orbs and skulls on the Wizard’s shelves, the Thief carefully approached the Wizard.

“Hey, boss?” The Thief asked.

“Hrmmm? What is it? What do you want?” The Wizard said agitatedly.

“Nothing, nothing,” the Thief turned away for a moment before coming back.

“It’s just that…well you know Dog I are pretty impressed with all your hocus pocus and we were wondering-“

“Wondering? Wondering what? Also, who are you?!” The Wizard said as he drooled into his beard.

“Your faithful assistants, sir. The fat lump and I had a bet we were hoping you could settle,” The Thief smiled slyly as he leaned in.

“You’re such a powerful wizard right? So powerful, that maybe you could zap your magic from yourself into another person? Someone like maybe-I dunno…me?” The Thief cringed.

It was pathetic. It was a trick that the Thief ripped off from old fairy tales he heard when he was a kid. There was no conceivable way it could have worked.

Yet somehow…

“What kind of idiotic question is that? Of course, I can! I was born from the air and fire! The powers of the cosmos are mine to command! Think of the most insane act imaginable and I can make it happen!” the Wizard harrumphed.

“Great! Sooooo -think you can do the ol’ switcheroo like now-ish? The Thief’s heart was pounding.

“Are you deaf? I’m already preparing the spell! Erm… you do promise to return my magic to me right away, yes?” The Wizard looked uncertain.

“Cross my heart and hope to die!” The Thief restrained from saying “stupid” at the end of that sentence.

The Thief winked at Dog. The big lug returned the wink with his tongue sticking out.

The room grew dark as glowing energy surrounded the old man and converged into a large glowing orb hovering above his hands.

“MAGICAL TRANSFER!” The Wizard bellowed.

The old man shot his hands forward towards the Thief. A swirling vortex of color beamed across the room. Unfortunately, the Wizard’s aim was about as good as his short-term memory. The energy missed the Thief by a wide margin and crashed into the unsuspecting Dog, plopped down behind the Thief.

Before the Thief could register what happened he was blinded by a white flash.

When the Thief cleared his eyes, he saw that the fat pup that had been sitting there was gone. Instead of the round ball of fur he had been just moments before, now the Wizard’s magic had transformed Dog into a lean anthropomorphic canine standing on two legs. His features had been sharpened and refined. Yellow fur faded into a chilly grey color.

The goofy pup didn’t look like a dog anymore. He looked more like a wolf.

“Did it work boss? Are ya magic?” Dog coughed. “Hey, my voice sounds weird.”

The Thief stared speechless at the talking animal. Then his face lit up in anger.

“You old creep! You missed and hit Dog instead!”

The Thief turned around to see that he was speaking to no one. Where just moments ago the cantankerous old fool had been standing there, now all that remained where he stood was a dissipating puff of smoke.

“Well, that’s just great! What a sorry mess this turned out to be!” The Thief buried his fuzzy-face in his hands.

“Wow! This is what my voice sounds like? Hello? Hello!” The Dog grabbed his snout with his hands.

“Ah! What are these?” The Dog yelped holding out two furry thumbs.

As he held out his hands, a pulsating multi-colored glow shimmered from Dog’s hands.

“Whoa, I’m magic now too?!” Dog’s sharp-wolfish face stared fascinated at his sparkling fingers

“Never-mind that, pal. Hurry up and razzle-dazzle the powers over to me!” The Thief frantically waved towards himself.

“Well now hold on just a second…it’s not every day I get magical wizard powers by accident you know…let me see if I can conjure up the loot myself!” The tall, wolfish fool grinned as he waved his new hands.

An aurora borealis erupted in the small room. A sea of colors across the rainbow spectrum dazzled and warped around the two criminals. Even the Thief couldn’t deny that it looked beautiful.

Suddenly the colors faded away and the room darkened. The temperature dropped as a shrill wind blew past. Somehow dark storm clouds gathered beneath the low ceiling and began to thunder. The wind began howling, books and clutter blew around them.

“You stupid dog! You’re going to get us all killed!” The Thief yelled, holding on to his hat.

“BEHOLD!” The Dog’s voice boomed with such a force it sounded like it could rock the cosmos.

The Thief ducked as magical lightning struck the center of the room in a blinding flash.

When the Thief peaked his head from behind the Wizard’s cushion chair his jaw dropped.

The lousy numbskull got the loot all right. All around the Wizard’s lair, stacked on the floor and furniture were piles and piles of chocolate chip cookies. The sugary sweets smelled freshly baked, if the Thief wasn’t so blinded by his frustration he’d notice his belly growling.

“This is the greatest day of my life!” Dog dove right into a stack of cookies spilling them everywhere.

Popping out from the cookie-pile, Dog shoveled the conjured treats into his long canine mouth.

“Mmmm, they’re all warm and crispy!” Dog said through a mouthful of cookies.

“Forget about the cookies! What about the loot?! Money?! Cash?!”

“What would we need all that for? I can just magic up all the cookies! Everyday cookies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!”

Dog stuck his tongue out and panted like an idiot as fireworks shot from his hands and filled the cramped room.

Unfortunately, the Thief wasn’t having it.

“I don’t believe it! Somehow you’re even worse at using magic than the Wizard! You cant have cookies for breakfast!”

Dog’s furry head drooped sadly.

“You’re right boss. Here, let me magic the powers over to you.”

“That’s better! Finally, something is making sense around here!” The Thief stuck his arms out in anticipation.

Dog began wiggling his fingers as a sparkling Borealis appeared around him. Soon Dog was a glowing silhouette as the Thief watched on with hungry eyes.

“My powers to YOU!” Dog barked before pointing his hands at the Thief and firing a large torrent of pulsating energy right at his partner.

The Thief shuddered as he felt the blast of magic hit him. It wasn’t long before he could feel himself fill with euphoria.

“I can feel it! Yes! The magic is finally m-“ The Thief vanished into thin air, replaced by another puff of smoke.

“Psych!” The Wolf barked triumphantly before conjuring up more cookies.

Far away in a police station, a portly cop in a blue uniform was dozing at his desk. His snoozing was rudely interrupted as a sudden loud crash of thunder made him leap right off of his chair.

“Saints preserve us!” The cops yelled in a thick Irish brogue.

When he dared to peak up from his desk, the officer couldn’t believe it. That Thief he had lost in the woods all those weeks ago was suddenly sitting in the holding cell, a puff of smoke dissipating around him. The cop couldn’t believe it. It was almost like magic.

“You lousy, double-crossing mutt!” The Thief roared shaking the iron bars of his cell.

“Ah tell it to the judge, boyo,” The officer laughed.

THE END